So I seem to be having an issue.
I feel so foggy. and confused. all. of. the. time.
I attribute it mostly to my medication, Lyrica.
It's supposed to be this amazing medicine to help chronic pain... So many people have had success with it.
Except me. again.
I don't feel like myself on this medicine.
I feel like I'm watching the world go by... I'm trying to catch up, but I'm always a mile behind.
It's like my life is a carousel. And I am trying so hard to jump on in and join the ride, but the Carnie (Lyrica) won't let me do it.
I wish I could change that.
I don't go back to my pain management doctor until April though. Joy.
I guess I could try and get in with him sooner.
But what's the use of that?
He's told me I'm basically out of treatment options. I have had so many, and all of them failed.
It's heart breaking.
when your doctor looks at you and tells you flat out all he can do from now on is write you prescriptions? Absolute gut wrenching.
But I keep hearing about these treaments i could do... liek Ketamine Therapy...I have had a few friends try that... Pain free for months at a time.
MONTHS. not minutes or seconds like when I'm singing with IYC... MONTHS.
Indiana doesn't offer Ketamine Therapy though. the closest state is Pennsylvania.
Kind of an expensive trip.
And it's probably worth it.
But I also don't have time.
indoor percussion?
choir?
piano lessons?
voice lessons?
volunteer work?
school?
homework
sleep?
I barely have time to breathe.
Is this my life I'm looking at?
Am I really looking at a life full of treatments?
This life is excruciating.
Every day that passes I feel worse.
Worse.
And
Worse.
And
Worse.
And
Worse.
When am I going to get better?
I keep hearing, one day you'll get better, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But one day your healing will come.
And I know that.
And I'm strong enough to wait for that.
But it breaks my heart.
I feel so foggy. and confused. all. of. the. time.
I attribute it mostly to my medication, Lyrica.
It's supposed to be this amazing medicine to help chronic pain... So many people have had success with it.
Except me. again.
I don't feel like myself on this medicine.
I feel like I'm watching the world go by... I'm trying to catch up, but I'm always a mile behind.
It's like my life is a carousel. And I am trying so hard to jump on in and join the ride, but the Carnie (Lyrica) won't let me do it.
I wish I could change that.
I don't go back to my pain management doctor until April though. Joy.
I guess I could try and get in with him sooner.
But what's the use of that?
He's told me I'm basically out of treatment options. I have had so many, and all of them failed.
It's heart breaking.
when your doctor looks at you and tells you flat out all he can do from now on is write you prescriptions? Absolute gut wrenching.
But I keep hearing about these treaments i could do... liek Ketamine Therapy...I have had a few friends try that... Pain free for months at a time.
MONTHS. not minutes or seconds like when I'm singing with IYC... MONTHS.
Indiana doesn't offer Ketamine Therapy though. the closest state is Pennsylvania.
Kind of an expensive trip.
And it's probably worth it.
But I also don't have time.
indoor percussion?
choir?
piano lessons?
voice lessons?
volunteer work?
school?
homework
sleep?
I barely have time to breathe.
Is this my life I'm looking at?
Am I really looking at a life full of treatments?
This life is excruciating.
Every day that passes I feel worse.
Worse.
And
Worse.
And
Worse.
And
Worse.
When am I going to get better?
I keep hearing, one day you'll get better, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But one day your healing will come.
And I know that.
And I'm strong enough to wait for that.
But it breaks my heart.
Yesterday in Psychology, we learned abotu the "Just-World
Hypothesis." .. That basically suggests that everything that happens we
deserve.
I completely
disagree.
What horrible thing did I do at age
11 to get in that boating accident?
What horrible thing did I do that caused
a life time of burning fiery pain?
Nothing. I
cannot think of anything so bad I could have
done.
maybe I didn't do my homework.
or
didn't obey my parents.
Or maybe I lied to a
teacher.
I don't know.
Is that worth this
pain?
Could something so insignificant in the
scheme of life really cause this much pain?
I
don't get it.
I can only hope
that one day I'll be ok.
one day I can remember
what a pain-free day feels like.
But you know,
it's not just the pain.
When I
am in my worst flare ups, I barely move.
I lay
in my room all day.
I shut the
light blocking curtains.
I take the quilts of
my bed.
Sometimes I put on headphones to block
the sound.
I close the vents so there's not a
breeze.
I take pain
medicine.
And I just lay there praying that God
will help me and take away some of the pain.
I
just pray for hours.
The pain is too bad to do
anything.
And then my body suffers from lack of
sleep.
I get fatigued
easily.
I feel
nauseous.
I have troubles
walking.
I get searing
headaches.
Light
hurts.
Loud sounds
hurt.
But I put myself in those
situations.
Why the heck am I in indoor
percussion?
The sound of those drummers banging
on those drums.
It
kills.
Each time the stick hits the drum, a ripping
pain runs through my body.
And I should have
quit a long time ago, because it only makes me
worse.
But at the same time, it makes me
better.
Because I get the feeling of
performance.
And it kills me to make it through
practice.
The sound vibrations, the drumming...
It's excruciating.
But I have
to.
Music.
it's
a part of me.
I considered giving up on it a
while ago, because it hurt too much.
But i
wasn't going to let RSD win.
I wasn't going to
let it take away from me what I loved to do once
again.
So I kept doing
it.
So I guess It's my own fault. I'm the
reason why I hurt so bad.
But when you love
something.
nothing can keep you from
it.
Not
depression.
Not
Sickness.
Not family.
definitely not pain.